just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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