I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
