I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
