Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
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You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
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I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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