thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Randomize
