i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Randomize
