I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
