We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
