Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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