I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
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It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
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I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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