I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
