she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
