Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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