I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
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