He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
