what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
