he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
