He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
