You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
