Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
