dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
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