I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
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