my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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