you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
