Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
