Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
