somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
