I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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