Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Randomize
