god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
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