it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Randomize
