The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
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