But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Randomize
