We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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