Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
