Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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