Small penises have feelings too.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
