While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
