I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
