ya dads aren't the best wingmen
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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