Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
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