i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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