life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
