It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
