dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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