just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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