I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
