I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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