3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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