party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Is it because I queefed?
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
i want to swaddle you in tequila
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
