tonight lets celebrate not being married
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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