so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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