can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
