Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
