fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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