there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
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