Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
