There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Randomize
